You know when you're an entrepreneur...and you long to just sit on the subway and completely zen out amidst screaming children, singing strangers, and questionable smells?
I spent much of this past year working from home. It was pretty awesome for awhile: I had my own schedule, I could workout in the morning, I could take a break for lunch and some Desperate Housewives, and I could do things that most normal people can't do, like schedule a doctor's appointment in the middle of the afternoon without thinking twice. I worked hourly, so I used my organizational skills (*OCD-need-for-structure) to map out a weekly, color-coded schedule during my weekly "Power Hour".
The entrepreneur life is a mixed bag. I completely understand why 99% of successful entrepreneurs start in some sort of corporate "working for the high-powered man" setting. They are accustomed to fast-paced work speeds and keeping a structured schedule, so, when on their own, they remain productive--but even more driven, because they are no longer working for the man: They are working for themselves and their personal passions and dreams. Plus, they usually have Type-A personalities.
At least this is how it appears from the outside.
From the inside, as an entrepreneur who has never really and truly worked for "the man" a day in her life, this lady is ready for structure. Yes, this Type A struggles against the Type B that can keep her stuck.
Take writing for example: When you work from home, you control your schedule. So, yes, in an ideal world, I respect my early-morning routine and go to bed early, get up early, and get shit done before the sun rises. But, in reality, I spend evenings with my husband, which usually means watching TV later than I would if on my own (and not reading or writing at all), drinking one more glass of wine, and sleeping later than I would like (we're talking 7:30am here, not noon, but still). But I also get in the mentality of "every hour wasted makes me feel like a slob", so if I don't put in a certain number of hours of work every day, I fail. At the same time, because I keep track of my hours for payment purposes, I don't want to spend too much time on any one project, or it looks ridiculous. So I end up not writing at all, and then feeling guilty about that, because it's something that I really want to do on a daily basis for both practice and for self-care purposes.
THE STRUGGLE IS REAL.
I'm inspired by the fact that I know so many Superwomen who have started their own businesses. They're doing it! And with kids! Like me, they didn't want to move up the proverbial ladder. But, unlike myself, they're not lazy for choosing to play in a career "field" versus moving onward and upward.
For a long time, I wanted to do the same thing. But now? I don't know, man: I want to simply go to work and come home. I want to leave work at work. I want to work on a team and quiet all of the voices in my head that constantly bounce around like a ball in a pinball machine when I sit home, alone, trying to plug away.
As an entrepreneur, the waves of YES THIS IS POWER constantly crash up against WTF AM I DOING, AND WHY AM I SO ALL OVER THE PLACE?!
I kind of want to take the subway to work, or walk to work if I'm lucky enough, and find the peace and quiet of being surrounded by a streaming mass of people. Call me crazy, but that takes me out of myself--which, as an uber-reflective individual, I find refreshing.
I kind of want separation in structured ways. Because, for me, life isn't about work. Life is about life: Spending time with people, pursuing a myriad of multi-passions, and feeling productive because I can successfully hold multiple balls in the air: Work, check. Relationships, check. Unrelated interests, check. Social engagements, check.
Life is about sitting on the subway and zoning out amidst screaming children, singing strangers, and questionable smells, because you did all that you could do today, and tomorrow is another day, and in-between, you can just sit down and write your virtual blog.
* Update: I wrote this a few weeks ago...and, as of yesterday, I have my first 9-5 job--and I am 100% pumped. I know: Said no one ever, but it's true. Stay tuned.