baby letters, week 35

Dear Baby,


I’m realizing that it won’t be too long now until you’re out in the world with us, out of your cozy womb bubble. We’re at the point when, whenever I share how “far along” we are – 35 weeks! – I always get the same response: “You’re so close!” It always triggers a slightly jarring twinge of recognition of that unassailable truth. We are so close.


Someone asked me this past week how I'm feeling emotionally. I wasn’t exactly sure how to answer...Thrilled beyond belief! A little nervous of how much our world as we know it will change (though it changed a whole heck of a lot this past year, and we managed to roll with it). Confident and assured! Oddly at peace, as I have been overall throughout these past seven months. In shock!...though it still feels as though it hasn’t quite hit yet. I think I mustered a response to the effect of, “All the feelings at the same time.”


It's essentially one big bundle of wow – which pretty sums up you as well, little woman.


My little woman.


About ten years ago – goodness, was it that long? – your Mama committed to writing one poem a day for 365 days. About once a year, I spend time weeding through those poems and thinking about how I might compile them into a book of sorts. One day, perhaps. For now, I’ll share them as they come to mind.


This is #54:


my soul longs for Jo--

the one with passion,

the one who wrote beloved plays,

the one who dreamed,

the one who refused to settle

and the one who fought 

against herself


my mind knows Meg--

the one with loyalty,

the one who thought practically,

the one who valued goodness,

the one who wanted peace,

and the one who settled 

for less


my heart holds Beth--

the one with patience,

the one who cherished music,

the one who whispered,

the one who brought out the best,

and the one who carried

great sorrow


and then there is my Amy--

the one with naiveté,

the one who painted her world,

the one who had fortitude,

the one who yearned to be a lady,

and the one who treasured

luxury


yes, they are there...

they are all there...

my trinity plus one--

my little women


You’ll forever be my little woman, and my heart leaps at the thought of watching you become who you are – as you at once stay who you’ve always been. I hope that you always remember who you are at your deepest, most core little woman self.


I promised to eventually speak about purpose and, you know, it’s funny how you stumble into ideas, or words, or images at what often feels like exactly the right time. We’re very busy at IIN working on our next course, and the content we’re creating and co-creating with thought leaders is basically the Universe telling me, “Are you listening to this?”


A few weeks ago, one of our visiting teachers led a meditation on connecting with your purpose. He asked questions like, “What activity did you enjoy most as a child? When did time fly by?” and “How would you spend your time if bills weren’t a consideration?”


I wonder how you will answer those questions in 20 years, 30 years, 40 years. And I wonder if those answers will affirm that you’re where you’re meant to be.


I always joke that I’m a creative who has worked in the wellness field for, well, her entire professional life. When I think about how I would answer those questions, here's what comes to mind:


As a child, time flew when I was practicing and putting on plays. Or when I was writing. Or when I was drawing. Or when I was reading. (Or when I was playing school or "store," but I think that was more about my penchant for structure and organization and being the one in charge.)


As for how would I spend my time in a world without bills (or, let’s be real, insurance), I would create. I would write – personal essays, poetry, self-help books that offered a lighter spin on familiar challenges, maybe even try my hand at a short novel, who knows. I would volunteer – perhaps bringing joy to the elderly. I would maybe take classes on photography. I’d definitely take more dance classes…Who knows? Maybe I would go for it and try my hand at some community theater.


Maybe I would find myself back in the wellness world, but I would focus first on settling back into the activities that lit me up as a child. I guess all this is to say that health is what I do, but creativity is who I am...and I hope that you always feel like you’re living in alignment with who you are, at least in the ways that feel fulfilling to you.


Another IIN visiting teacher spoke recently on connection – how much more challenging it is these days, how much we all need it. Our social realities have been, well, somewhat pummeled this year. Yet connection is like oxygen. This is why many people have pets, or even plants: caring for something nourishes the spirit. Supporting life connects us to the greater life force, to something beyond ourselves.


As I listened to this wise woman speak, my mind went to you. You have been with me – with me and your Papa, with our entire family – from the beginning of the pandemic. I found out I was pregnant on February 12th, one month before we left New York City for what we thought would be a few weeks. All throughout this strange, strange year that flipped everyone’s lives upside down, you’ve been a life inside me to nourish and nurture, a life force to connect to and that connects me and all of us to the wonder that is life itself. You’ve been our constant hope, affirmation, and joy.


Speaking of joy, this was poem #49 of my “365 poetry”:


like a parasail

lost to the wind, content

to blow away

in a world slightly

out of focus, colors

merging, sounds

bleeding, neon vision

of vibrant greens

orange aflame

great bursts of vigor

lapping at your heart!

a bonfire dance

of falling ashes that tickle

the skin, ignite

flesh, electrical surges

that jolt the spirit

confidence laughing

care slapped away

the sound of a hundred voices 

singing and big-band jazz

starring Cab Calloway!

eating fresh peaches

and mango so sweet

alive and juicy

sinful greasy carnival 

and dripping ice-cream cones

oh how i want a room to dance!

a joyful choir!

soul music!

anything! everything!

for i despise

nothing.

everything wondrous

on a silver platter—

oh what a world!


What a world indeed.



By the way, a mobile made of 108 paper cranes currently hangs in your nursery. 108 is a number of spiritual completion and life-giving energy. It aligns us with the rhythm of the universe. That's all for you, my love. And it is you.


(No pressure.)


Love, Your Mama


© 2017 jewolff.com

  • Instagram